This week the award goes to Harry Rodger Webb, better known as Sir Cliff Richard, and the feature song is “Mistletoe and Wine”
The child is a king, the carollers sing,
The old has passed, theres a new beginning.
Dreams of santa, dreams of snow,
Fingers numb, faces aglow.
It’s Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing Christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time to rejoice in the good that we see
A time for living, a time for believing
A time for trusting, not deceiving,
Love and laughter and joy ever after,
Ours for the taking, just follow the master.
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing Christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time to rejoice in the good that we see
(Silent night, holy night)
It’s a time for giving, a time for getting,
A time for forgiving and for forgetting.
Christmas is love, Christmas is peace,
A time for hating and fighting to cease.
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
(Silent night, holy night)
Children singing Christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time to rejoice in the good that we see
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing Christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time to rejoice in the good that we see
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
(Christmas time)
Children singing Christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time to rejoice in the good that we see
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
(Silent night, holy night)
Children singing Christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time to rejoice in the good that we see
It’s been a while since I had enough material for a post about the strange things people write about me.
Last week I wrote an email to Stuart Bocking explaining various aspects of my health, this was a follow-up to a phone call I made to Stuart the morning before when I couldn’t sleep (I can’t remember most of that call now).
The banned former contributors to this site who inhabit BrownNoiseUnit decided to expand on that email, making extensive use of their perverted imaginations along the way.
Stuart, I love you in a more-than-a-friend way. I want to tell you things I tell no one else. I want to fall asleep on your shoulder, take long walks in the rain, and gaze deeply into your eyes over the rim of my Nescafe Kenjaro cup. Oh Stuart, how I long to show the sights, sounds and smells of Kairnbra! Coffee at Civic, a croquet at Kingsley’s Chicken, a stroll in the late afternoon past a construction site! Just you, Nattie, a radio, the camera and me.
Stuart, I think of you all the time. Even when I am not listening to your breakfast shift, your voice is forever in my head. Sometimes I just lie on my bed, close my eyes and let the memory of your voice take hold of my whole being.
I have to go now, Stuart. I will call you as soon as I get off work. If I don’t get through I’ll send a text, and if you don’t have your phone on you I’ll email. What’s your home number again?
Anyway, if for some silly odd reason we don’t link up, I’ll be in the cafe across the road from where you work. I’m the one with the binoculars and the anorak!
I yearn for you tragically. Have a great weekend! I’ll be listening (and watching!)
Regards,
Samuel Gordon-Stewart
Kairnbra
Admittedly I find the whole thing quite amusing (and a tad disturbing), but, if I was a deranged lunatic, it might be something I would write…I think the only reply I would ever get would be the police charging me with stalking or harrassment, and a court order banning me from going anywhere near a radio station, or making any contact with anyone who works in radio…there might even be a clause banning me listening to the radio.
The blatently obvious bottom line though is that Stuart hosts a show on 2UE, I along with many other people contribute to that show as a caller and an emailer, yes I would like to meet Stuart one day, I gather that the feeling is mutual as he invited me to his Christmas function (an invitation I had to turn down due to work commitments), but it doesn’t go any further than a penpal type friendship.
I accept that some people try to stereotype me as a stalker, but that notion is so far from the truth that it is amusing.
Moving on, and someone who I probably went to school with sent this email via the contact form (with a fake email address too)
From……: the ginger bread man
Email…..: gingerpubes@samuelgordonstewart.com
Url…….:
………………………………………………….
Subject…: u dont kno me sammy but i kno u
………………………………………………….
ive been watching u for a long time sammy, and the time has come for the rape and pillage of “bagland” i plan to conquer this wonderful land and keep it for myself.
I can think of a few people who this could be, thankfully most of them matured beyond that point by the end of year 8, obviously some didn’t.
For the record, it was “Bag”, not “Bagland”, and at varying stages there was also “Locker”, “Desk”, “Pencil Case”, “Rabbit Land”, “Dog Land” and “Samuel Land”. And seeing as the world hasn’t changed for “the ginger bread man” in at least the last six years, and probably more, Pencil Case contains a rather large army led by the fearless Commander Ruler, and will be backed up by The Book Of Wisdom (aka a dictionary which makes a good projectile).
Ah memories, thanks for the walk down memory lane, ginger bread man.
Update 4:35PM 17/Dec/2006: I think this effort from Chuck A. Spear is worth a mention.
Good Morning The Beige Baron
Submitted by Chuck A. Spear on December 16, 2006 – 2:15am.
Good Morning The Beige Baron err The Beige Lunatic.
Since you have the flu, how are the aches, pains, and general zombieish feelings? I have been mixing my medicine with coffee. If I whinge this much at 19, what will I be like at 69?
Always and forever
SGS
Reminds me a little bit of a Beatles song:
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64?
The Friday Funny this week comes from Rodney in Adelaide.
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree fat man?”
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the tree.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
As an update to the email to Stuart Bocking below, I might as well let you know that the aches, pains, and general zombieish feeling are back. Looks like another trip to the doctor for me.
Even worse, I want to go to work, but I know that my concentration level is quite low at the moment, and as such it is taking a long time to write or type anything…and the monitor is giving me a headache (why am I writing this?)…and whatever I have in contagious and I don’t want to spread it.
This could be a new low, blogging about whatever ails me.
Well you’ll be pleased to know that most of my aches and pains are gone, and I did eventually get to sleep last night, although it wasn’t for very long. The medicine the doctor has me on works very well, but the side affects are interesting, I want to sleep, but the medicine wants to keep me awake for at least three to four hours after I take it. It’s also making a lot of things taste quite terrible, and making me very thirsty, but at least I seem to be able to concentrate for a while now, even if it does take me three times as long to write an email than it normally would.
I would just like to send my best wishes to everyone who is currently affected by bushfires, it is a terrible situation to be in, and I think we owe our firefighters, especially the volunteers, and awful lot.
The ACT Government’s school closure announcement has been made. Of the 39 originally planned for closure, 23 will close and 16 will remain open.
11 preschools, 11 primary schools and one high school will close.
Schools to stay open:
Chifley preschool
Dickson College
Flynn preschool
Gilmore preschool
Gilmore primary
Giralang primary
Hackett preschool
Hall preschool
Isabella Plains primary
Melba preschool
Mt Neighbour preschool
Mt Rogers primary
Reid preschool
South Curtin preschool
Tharwa preschool
Weston Creek preschool
School to close at the end of next week:
Causeway preschool
Flynn primary
Hall primary
McKellar preschool
Melrose primary
Mt Neighbour primary
Rivett preschool
Rivett primary
Tharwa primary
Weston Creek primary
Schools to close at the end of 2007:
Cook preschool
Cook primary
Giralang preschool
Kambah High
Macarthur preschool
Page preschool
Village Creek primary
Schools to close at the end of 2008:
Higgins preschool
Higgins primary
Holt preschool
Holt primary
Isabella Plains preschool
Schools to close at the end of 2010:
Village Creek preschool
Change in 2007:
Stromlo High School changes from years 7-10 to years 6-10
Changes in 2008:
All preschools to amalgamate with primary schools (forming schools Preschool to Year 2, Preschool to Year 6 and Preschool to Year 10)
Chishom Preschool, Chisholm Primary and Caroline Chisholm High become Chisholm Community School (Preschool to Year 10)
Harrison school accepts Preschool to Year 6 enrolments eventually to be Preschool to Year 10)
Hawker Preschool, Hawker Primary School, Belconnen High and Hawker College establish closer links and become Hawker Collegiate.
Melba High School and Copland College become Melba Copland Secondary School (two campuses, one administration)
Changes in 2009:
Isabella Plains Primary Preschool to Year 6 reduced to Preschool to Year 2
Lyons Primary Preschool to Year 6 reduced to Preschool to Year 2
Narrabundah Primary Preschool to Year 6 reduced to Preschool to Year 2
Southern Cross Primary P-6 reduced to Preschool to Year 2
West Belconnen School established (Preschool to 10)
Change in 2010:
Gungahlin Secondary College established (Year 11-12)
Change in 2011:
Tuggeranong School established (Pre-school to Year 10)
I was just watching the first few stories on Win News Late Edition and it looks like the autocue has failed at Win Television’s Kingston studios. From the moment the bulletin started, Peter leonard was constantly switching between looking at the camera and reading from the desk. To Peter’s credit, he clearly pre-read the bulletin and had memorised a fair bit of it. Well done Peter.
Whilst browsing various websites last night I came across a curious ad in which your mouse cursor battles a pencil, and the pencil ultimately wins with the statement “The pen pencil is mightier than the mouse”. I clicked on the ad and was taken a Staedtler promotional website called Take Note, on which you can send and receive short handwritten notes.
It’s an odd little website, but it’s a bit of fun too. Basically you have some options, send a note to yourself, a friend or a stranger, receive a note from a stranger, view a gallery of the best notes, or read what the whole thing is all about.
When you write a note, it is apparently handwritten and posted by Staedtler to the person of your choice, or to one of the people who have registered to receive a note from a stranger.
So I have conducted an experiement, I have sent some messages based on the random quotes on this website. The note to myself is “Apparently if people are going to have to eat the plates we will need more of them on the lawn”, and the note to a stranger is “When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!””. I have also registered to receive a note from a stranger.
The aims of the experiment are to see if the note to myself arrives, see if the stranger makes contact with me, and see what random insight I receive from a stranger.
It’s a funny little website, and is certainly worth a look…I’m not entirely sure that Staedtler will acheive their aim of promoting the “personal, powerful and insightful” handwritten word, but good luck to them, it is a very clever bit of advertising and has certainly got my attention.
I worry about my subconcious sometimes, it really does produce the most absurd dreams.
A few nights ago I had a dream that I had to pick up a former work colleague’s child from a daycare centre in West Civic. So I made my way over towards the location of the Rydges Hotel, which for some reason had moved a few blocks to be near the Botanical Gardens, just next door was a building which looked a little bit like my pre-school, just smaller, but with a large balcony. Next to, and behind this building was a fenced off shadecloth covered area where children were running around playing various games and entertaining themselves.
I walked to the front door of the daycare centre which was open, and proceeded to walk over to the desk in the middle of the room where a small figure with a large round hat was sitting. On closer inspection, the small figure was Nattie, however I didn’t recognise her and treated her as I would any human in charge of a daycare centre. Nattie, walking on hind legs, wearing a dress and speaking a muffled canine sort of english took me over to the child which I then took back to the other side of Civic to the workplace of my former-work colleague (never mind that their workplace is in Belconnen).
I then went home and took Nattie (who was back in dog mode) for a walk, apparently not noticing that there were two different Natties in town.
The “Foot In Mouth” award for a baffling quote by a public figure has been awarded to British supermodel Naomi Campbell for a comment she reportedly made in June.
“I love England, especially the food. There’s nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.”
Past winners of the award include Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Gere, Alicia Silverstone and Tracey Emin.
Seven “Golden Bulls” have been awarded for gobledegook
Crafts Council of Ireland (CCOI) for a circular letter
The re-writing of the vocabulary of intemporal Irish heritage is a possible vector for submissions on the condition that this transposition is resolutely anchored in the 21st century through a contemporary lens that absolutely avoids drifting into the vernacular.
Germaine Greer for a column in the Guardian
The first attribute of the art object is that it creates a discontinuity between itself and the unsynthesised manifold.
Bury County Court – for a ‘General Form of Judgment or Order’
IT IS ORDERED THAT THE CLAIM BE ADJOURNED GENERALLY WITH PERMISSION TO THE CLAIMANT TO RESTORE TO THE LIST WITHOUT FORMAL APPLICATION NOT LATER THAN 16:00 HOURS ON THE 12TH SEPTEMBER 2006 WHEREUPON THE CLAIM DO STAND STRUCK OUT IF NOT SO RESTORED
Eastleigh Borough Council for a Notice given under the Building Act 1984
Hereby in accordance with the provision of the Building Act 1984, Section 32 declares that the said plans shall be of no effect and accordingly the said Act and the said Building Regulations shall as respects the proposed work have effect as if no plan had been deposited.
Wheale, Thomas, Hodgins plc for a job advertisement
Our client is a pan-European start-up leveraging current cutting edge I.P. (already specified) with an outstanding product/value solutions set. It is literally the right product, in the right place at the right time. by linking high-value disparate legacy systems to achieve connectivity between strategic partners/acquisition targets and/or disparate corporate divisions.
The opportunity exists to be the same (i.e. right person etc. etc) in a growth opportunity funded by private equity capital that hits the ‘sweet-spot’ in major cost driven European markets.
Fife Council for a letter about a change to bin collection dates
It has been brought to our attention that due to changes made to your grey household wastes bin collection dates within your new calendar. Your bin will be emptied week beginning the 20th March 2006, then next collection would not be until the week beginning the 10th April 2006. Thus having to wait 3 weeks for collection.
Therefore we are to provide a normal collection on your normal collection day, week starting the 3rd April and again on your new collection date, week starting the 10th April then there after every 2 weeks.
The Institute for Fiscal Studies for a website document description
While the literature on nonclassical measurement error traditionally relies on the availability of an auxiliary dataset containing correctly measured observations, this paper establishes that the availability of instruments enables the identification of a large class of nonclassical nonlinear errors-in-variables models with continuously distributed variables.
The “Good” awards saw plenty of winners as well, which is a good thing as the aim of the Campaign is to stamp out gobledegook in favour of plain english.
‘Plain English’ category (for the year’s clearest documents)
The Essential Business Guide Ltd for ‘The Essential Business Guide’
World Cancer Research Fund for ‘Breast awareness’ card . Helena Housing for ‘Resident’s Handbook’
The Department for Social Development for ‘Directory of services for older people’
ASDA for a product recall notice
National Osteoporosis Society for the ‘Living with osteoporosis’ guide
‘Inside Write’ category (for clear internal government documents – civil servants writing for other civil servants)
British Ministry of Defence for ‘Navy News’
UK Trade & Investment for ‘Our World’ magazine . Welsh Assembly Government for ‘Rules for Tables’
HM Revenue & Customs for ‘Chatterbox’ magazine . UK Visas for ‘Managing e-mail’
Department for Work and Pensions for ‘The DWP journey’ leaflet
Media Awards
Best National Newspaper: The Guardian
Best Regional Newspaper: Newcastle Evening Chronicle
Best National Radio Programme: The Jeremy Vine Show (BBC Radio 2)
Best Regional Radio Station: Pirate FM (Cornwall)
Best National Television Programme: This Week (BBC 1)
Best Regional Television Programme: X-Ray (BBC Wales)
I had a couple entries in the awards, unfortunately they didn’t win, but they were fun to find and I mentioned them earlier in the year, but here they are again for your enjoyment. Firstly the good, in the Plain English Category is a fridge magnet from Actew Corporation and the ACT Government, explaining clearly and concisely the basics of the permanent water restrictions.
Secondly the bad, in the Foot In Mouth category, ACT Chief Turnip Jon Stanhope for this comment:
We cannot continue to sustain a government school system where there are, in the context of the level of expenditure, which we make or investment in education and maintain a school system at that level of under use.
Naturally there were plenty of other entries, Dave Smith shared some with us in July, and the Gobbledygook Of The Week page on the Plain English Campaign website has some more..
It just occurred to me…Samuel’s Persiflage has a strange track record when it comes to people and the jobs they have.
In May (well it was actually April when I recorded the interview) on Samuel’s Persiflage I interviewed the National Library’s Director of Digital Archiving, Margaret Phillips. By the time July rolled around Margaret had retired.
Last month, November, on Samuel’s Persiflage the first guest was Paul Blunt, co-host of 2CA’s breakfast show. As speculated a couple days ago, and now confirmed, Paul will be leaving 2CA on December 22 and will be moving to the Gold Coast.
I do hope this is just a mere coincidence and not a Persiflage Curse…although if it is the latter, I think it can be explained by John Stanley’s curse losing it’s effect…it must be transferring to me.
For those of you who don’t listen to John Stanley on 2UE and 2CC, people interviewed on John’s show, particularly in the entertainment industry, seem to be involved in “flops” shortly after appearing. Television shows have been known to be cancelled shortly after the ratings plummet after being on John’s show. People often get voted off reality television programs after John interviews them. It’s a long-running joke, and recently the “curse” hasn’t been having its usual effect.
Of course, now that John’s away, his curse has struck his fill-in presenter…
Midnight-6am: New Day with Stuart Bocking
6am-10am: Breakfast with Mike Jeffreys
10am-2pm: Tim Webster filling in for John Laws
2pm-6pm: Drive with Mike Welsh
6pm-8pm: Sports Today
8pm-Midnight: Nights with Stan Zemanek
It will be strange having my lunch break and hearing Mike Welsh on the radio…it was strange enough having John Kerr filling in for Stuart Bocking and going through until 6am on a weekday, I’m glad I’ll be at work when Tim Webster cops all of the confused people at 10am.
Here are just a few news stories which are just a tad amusing.
New South Wales Opposition Leader Peter Debnam wants to sell New South Wales Lotteries for about $800 million to help fund the $1 billion water strategy (whatever that may be). Sounds reasonable on the surface, but dig a bit deeper:
NSW Lotteries has sold lottery tickets since 1931. Last year it sold tickets worth more than $1.1 billion, and paid out about $662 million in prizes. Its lotteries have helped to pay for the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge.
That’s a $438 million profit last year, not bad.
Mr Debnam said the privatised company would still be required to pay annual lottery duties of almost $300 million to the Government, and might be required to pay additional taxes to offset the company tax it would begin paying to the Federal Government.
Take out the lottery duties and the profit drops to $138 million per annum, even less once you take out the federal company tax and the state based “additional taxes”.
I’m not a tax expert, so I’m not going to try and calculate what these taxes might cost, but once you take away the operating costs (staff, ticket paper, dedicated communication lines between sales terminals and head office, commissions payable to agents etc etc etc) as well, it’s really not a very profitable company.
Somehow I think Mr. Debnam’s $800 million money grab is either sheer optimism which should never have been mentioned in the company of a journalist, or a blight on Mr. Debnam’s economic credentials.
Based on this multiple, NSW Lotteries, with earnings of $38.6 million this year, could be worth as much as $800 million. But the Opposition expects it to have a much lower value.
Thankfully Mr. Debnam dosn’t think he can get $800 million for the company, but that still leaves the question of why he mentioned the figure in the first place.
***
The Victorian bushfire crisis has engulfed a mountain by the name of “Mount Terrible”. Not surprisingly, journalists are having fun with it, saying things such as “it’s living up to its name”.
I would like to know why it was named Mount Terrible. Did the person who named it have a bad experience there? Or did they know something we could have used before the bushfire crisis?
***
From our good friends at the “funny news presented in a serious manner” Ananova News agency comes the news that a job centre in the UK has banned Christmas decorations in case they offend the unemployed.
Job Centre bans Xmas
A Job Centre has banned Christmas decorations – in case it offends the unemployed.
Area manager of South London Chris Nicol says he doesn’t want to upset benefit claimants who can’t afford tinsel.
His staff are not happy about the decision, reports The Sun.
One worker said: “All the shops and offices around us are happily putting up their Christmas decorations but ours are in the cupboard.
“Most people have complained about the lack of decorations. The twinkling lights and tinsel always seemed to lift people’s spirits. Now we are all glumly sitting in the dark in case someone takes offence.”
Mr Nicol refused to back down and added: “It’s about considering the feelings of people who might not to be able to afford Christmas.
“Because of their circumstances they might not have decorations at home. I don’t think they should have their noses rubbed in it by walking into a Job Centre. I haven’t heard that staff are unhappy but it is impossible to please everyone.”
Not surprisingly, the story has been doing the rounds on talkback. Some of the highlights:
Mr. Nicol: “It’s about considering the feelings of people who might not to be able to afford Christmas.”
Stuart Bocking: “Since when has anyone been able to afford Christmas?”
Mr. Nicol: “I haven’t heard that staff are unhappy but it is impossible to please everyone.”
Mike Jeffreys: “Especially if you’re an idiot!”
The one thing I didn’t get to say on the phone was that I would like to wish Stuart and all of his guests a wonderful day at their Christmas Lunch later today. I was going to call Stuart during his afternoon shift, but silly me went and had a nap and Mike Williams was on when I woke up!
Have a great week John, and have a nice sleep when you get home this morning.
Sounds like you’re having one of those mornings where you just run away screaming and let the emergency tape run the show.
That drink machine that stole Mike’s money…there are a few machines like that at my work, the coins go in, the machine accepts them, but it doesn’t add them to the total. Do you know who makes the machines? I’d like to buy some shares in them.
So the phones don’t work, on the bright side you won’t be Perth’s long-range taxi booking service…of course you could just give out your mobile number and use the speakerphone mode, but that would probably be very hard for any of us to hear and understand.
And to think you’ve got to sit there until 6am…sorry John, but I’m glad it’s you and not me.
Just thinking…I bet the phones work in the studio which doesn’t work!
Have a good morning John…I’ll call later if you get the phones working.
