Posts filed under 'Friday Funnies'
This week’s Friday Funny is a joke which a caller to John Stanley‘s show on Tuesday managed to slip into a conversation, with nobody realising it was a joke until the end…mind you, he made it sound like he was one of the characters in the joke.
An elderly lady is trying to cross a busy road, but can’t find a long enough break in the traffic to cross safely. After a while a man comes over to her and informs her that there is a zebra crossing about 100 metres up the road, to which the elderly lady replies “Gee, I hope he’s not having as much trouble as I am”.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
October 27th, 2006 at 09:49am
Today’s Friday Funny comes to us from Charity in Sydney
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog… able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat… been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown – 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
October 13th, 2006 at 10:28am
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she’s trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, “I’ve got just the thing for you madam. I’ll just get him.”
With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. “This dog is a special dog,” he tells her. “It is able to fly,” he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
“There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say ‘my’, he’ll eat whatever you’ve mentioned. Watch. “My apple!” The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.
“He’s cute, and so unusual. I’ll take him,” she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
“Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!” she exclaims when she gets back home. “He can fly!”
The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, “Fly eh? Ha! My foot!”
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
September 29th, 2006 at 09:28am
Well it’s Friday Funnies time again, and I could just say that the joke is “ACTION management comittee”, but I doubt many people would find it funny, so instead I’ll provide you with some bus flavoured jokes.
A good and kindly bishop pops his clogs and finds himself at heavens gates behind a newly deceased bus driver. Saint Peter is describing the five hundred room marble palace that will be the eternal home of the bus driver.
Saint Peter gets to the bishop and tells him to go round to the back gate of the mansion and prepare to be the bus drivers gardner. The bishop is outraged – “That idiot bus driver drove like a maniac – what do you think you are doing!!??” Saint Peter replies: “That bus driver is highly favoured in the heavenly realms; he put the fear of God up more people than all the churches in England!”
Did you hear about the magic bus?
– It went along the road, then turned into a side street.
Customer: “Can I have a return ticket please?”
Driver: “Where to?”
Customer: “Back here of course!”
A passenger who was slightly late in rising from her seat said to the driver, “I wanted that stop.” The driver turned around and replied ” I’m sorry madam, the company don’t sell them”
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
September 15th, 2006 at 10:47am
This week’s Friday Funny is a transcript of a telemarketing call from American phone company AT&T to somebody who was just trying to enjoy their dinner. This was written by the person receiving the call from AT&T, but has been copied on to so many websites that I am unable to find the original person.
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word “rate”. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That’s amazing!!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me cheques weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual cheque, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but….
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for….
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?
AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.
So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food…….
Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother………
AT&T: (click)
Samuel
September 1st, 2006 at 09:26am
This week’s Friday funny comes to us courtesy of Melanie in Sydney
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own blanket!”
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
August 18th, 2006 at 09:29am
This week’s Friday Funny comes to us from Charity in Sydney
At 3 A.M. A couple awakens to a knock on the door.
The man gets up and sees a stranger asking for a push.
” Not a chance,” yells the husband, “It’s 3:00 in the morning!”
With that , he returns to bed.
“Who was it?” asks his wife.
“Some guy asking for a push. I told him to get lost.”
“What?” she ask, “Don’t you remember that time when we broke down and that guy helped us? You should help him.”
The man guiltily returns to the door calling out, “Hello, do you still need a push?”
“Yes, please,” comes the answer.
“where are you?”
“over here on the swing”
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
August 11th, 2006 at 09:52am
This one was sent by “Paul” to Stuart Bocking about a week ago…it’a nother Blonde joke, but it’s not your average Blonde joke…read on…
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
Then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
$40 profit…probably come in handy at some stage.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
August 4th, 2006 at 10:39am
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
July 21st, 2006 at 10:05am
This week’s Friday Funny comes from Dave Smith of Plain English Campaign fame. Dave has sent us two interesting additions to the gobbledegook archive.
The first one is from an advertisement for a pen.
BOTH. LESS AND MORE
Its clear lines and minimalist design provide it with an unmistakable look. It is daring, and different. So that your writing instrument not only carries your message, but lives it
The second peice of gobbledegook is an email sent to staff at the University of Illinois
An emergency IPL of the ACCA is required to resolve a problem with the channel
path configuration within the Iceberg units. Following the Iceberg to EMC test yesterday, the vendor failed to correctly reset the hardware configuration within the Icebergs. Correcting this problem requires an IPL of the system. The ACCH is not affected as only the paths from the Icebergs to the ACCA were in error. Currently we are experiencing degradation in batch processing and TSO response times on the ACCA. In addition, online systems are beginning to feel the impact. The IPL will begin at 09:45 and should be complete within 45 minutes. We will send an announcement when the system is active
And as a bonus, we even have the reply to that email
Dear AITS Security:
I am sorry you have to IPL your ACCA to resolve the CPC of the Icebergs and
degradation of the TSO as a result of the EMC test, but am relieved that the ACCH
is not affected.
Here at GSLIS we sometimes have to R our S’s to up our MTBFs, but this is rare
due to the HIQ of our ENV and the LD of our DataFlow on the 100BT HPs.
We will be waiting with bated breath (BB) for your upcoming ASA (Active System
Announcement).
Sincerely yours
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, send me an email at smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
July 14th, 2006 at 10:18am
This week’s Friday Funny comes from Charity in Sydney.
THERE WAS a man who fished every day and always came back with a good catch. Eventually, the game warden decided this guy must be doing something illegal. So the warden put on old clothes and made friends with the man. “I’ve noticed you always catch fish,” the warden said. “Can I go out with you?” The fisherman
shrugged. “Sure,” he replied. “See you here at 5 a.m. tomorrow.”
The next day, they went fishing together. The fisherman steered his boat into a remote part of the lake, then stopped. He opened his tackle box, took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and threw it into the water. After it went off, dozens of stunned fish floated to the surface.
The warden was astounded. “I caught you red-handed,” he said. “I’m the game warden, and you’re under arrest.” The fisherman said nothing. He reached into his tackle box, took out another stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and handed it to the warden. The fisherman then asked him, “You going to talk or fish?”
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, send me an email at smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!
Samuel
July 7th, 2006 at 10:20am
It’s a Friday, and I think it might be nice to start a series of Friday Funnies (not an original name…but that hardly matters). So here is the first one, with thanks to Irene in Brisbane.
The Cat’s Diary
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth .
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.”
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time…
Samuel
June 30th, 2006 at 10:17am
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