Samuel's Blog

Posts filed under 'Friday Funnies'

Baa baa sheep dog, have you any fur? No sir no sir, just a lot of wool!

It’s not quite the usual Friday Funnies fodder, but this news story is just too good to not mention. From The Daily Telegraph.

Wool pulled over Japanese eyes

April 27, 2007 12:00
Article from: AAP

THOUSANDS of Japanese have been swindled in a scam in which they were sold Australian and British sheep and told they were poodles.

Flocks of sheep were imported to Japan and then sold by a company called Poodles as Pets, marketed as fashionable accessories, available at $1,600 each.

That is a snip compared to a real poodle which retails for twice that much in Japan.

The scam was uncovered when Japanese moviestar Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food.

She was crestfallen when told it was a sheep.

Then hundreds of other women got in touch with police to say they feared their new “poodle” was also a sheep.

One couple said they became suspicious when they took their “dog” to have its claws trimmed and were told it had hooves.

Japanese police believe there could be 2,000 people affected by the scam, which operated in Sapporo and capitalised on the fact that sheep are rare in Japan, so many do not know what they look like.

“We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company were selling sheep as poodles,” Japanese police said, the The Sun reported.

“Sadly we think there is more than one company operating in this way.

“The sheep are believed to have been imported from overseas – Britain, Australia.”

Many of the sheep have now been donated to zoos and farms.

Samuel

2 comments April 27th, 2007 at 10:11am

Memory

This week’s Friday Funny is from Irene in Brisbane.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Samuel

April 20th, 2007 at 09:56am

Murphy’s lesser known laws

This week’s Friday Funny comes from Irene in Brisbane.

MURPHY’S LESSER KNOWN LAWS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Samuel

2 comments March 23rd, 2007 at 10:03am

Trouble’s a Brewin’

This week’s Friday Funny comes from Bearded Clam, apparently somewhere in Japan.

A guy goes into a bar and says, “Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!” The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. “Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman replies, “Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?”

“I haven’t got any money!”

Samuel

1 comment March 16th, 2007 at 08:32am

Those Stupid Virus Warnings

I’m sure we’ve all received those stupid emails telling us that “the worst virus ever” will destroy your computer if you open a certain email, and “there is no cure”.

Well, I thought I had spotted yet another stupid virus hoax warning…how wrong I was…definitely worth of Friday Funny status.

If you receive an email entitled
‘Camel’ delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it .

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on
ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws
up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto
dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into
your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will
drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave
dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It
will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the
“Bedtimes” message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the
forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you do open any Emails from ‘Camel’ you’ll fart so hard that
your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Samuel

3 comments March 9th, 2007 at 09:05am

Golf

Those of you who were listening to Glenn Wheeler on Sunday afternoon would have already heard my golf joke…but here it is anyway

Q: What happens in Golf when your ball hits a bird?
A: You get a free birdie!

OK, here’s one from Terry in Lismore (he informs me that he is a (John Laws network station) 2LM listener).

Three golfing buddies died in a car accident and went to heaven.
Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they had ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?”
“Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”

The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.
St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?”
“I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?”
The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

Samuel

8 comments February 23rd, 2007 at 09:18am

IQ Test

I’m not sure that this really counts as a joke, but it certainly gave me a laugh when I read it…so thank you to Harold from London who sent it in.

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let’s find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You’re not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

Samuel

February 9th, 2007 at 09:47am

Brain Swap

This week’s Friday Funny comes courtesy of Rhonda (location withheld), who also asked that I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy new year on her behalf (yes, the joke was sent in a bit over a week ago).

A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, “I’m sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor.”

The girl started crying and said to her mum, “I’m only 15 years old. I don’t want to die.”

The doctor said, “Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it’s expensive and not covered by insurance.”

The girl’s mother said, “Don’t worry, dear. How much does it cost?”

The doctor replied, “Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000.”

The mum said, “No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?”

The doctor replied, “Because the female brain has been used!”

Samuel

December 29th, 2006 at 10:31am

Christmas Fruitcake

This week the Friday Funny is late on purpose, so that Samuel’s Persiflage could be on the top of the (Christmas?) tree for a while. I received many Christmas jokes in the last couple weeks, and this is the one I like the best, sent in by Tim from New York, Janet from Melbourne, and Berin from Érd, near Budapest.

1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.

Samuel

2 comments December 23rd, 2006 at 04:11pm

Santa Prepares For Christmas

The Friday Funny this week comes from Rodney in Adelaide.

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree fat man?”

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the tree.

Samuel

December 15th, 2006 at 10:10am

Aussie Drink Driver

This week the (late) Friday Funny comes from 2UE’s Stuart Bocking (who apparently received it by email).

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said; “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.

Samuel

6 comments December 9th, 2006 at 12:50pm

Leaking Members in Senate Shenanigans

I originally posted this on The RiotACT last year, but it is amusing enough for a re-run. This week’s Friday Funny is an extract of proceedings from Senate Estimates…filled with leaking members, buildings which are falling apart…and somewhere in there they discuss money thrown into ponds.

Senator FAULKNER—On another issue, what happens to all the money—not that there is many millions of dollars—the coins that are thrown into the fountains here at Parliament House?

Ms Penfold—I have known the answer to this, but I cannot remember.

Senator FAULKNER—I was not suggesting that you keep it yourself.

Ms Penfold—According to my recollection, I think it goes into our general revenue.

Senator FAULKNER—Really? It does not go to charity?

Ms Penfold—No.

Senator FAULKNER—Why do you think people throw coins into these fountains?

Ms Penfold—I wish I knew. It seems to be something—

Senator FAULKNER—It goes into general revenue?

Ms Penfold—I suppose it goes into supplementing—

Senator FAULKNER—Do we know how much money has gone into general revenue?

Ms Penfold—No, but we can find that out for you.

Senator FAULKNER—Who fishes the coins out?

Ms Penfold—I can understand why you think people might throw it in there in a charitable frame of mind, but I am not sure how we could work out which charity to donate it to.

Senator FIFIELD—How do you determine the mind of somebody throwing a coin?

Senator FAULKNER—You could easily work it out. There are staff charities here at Parliament House. We are asked to contribute to those on a regular basis.

Ms Penfold—There are dozens of them—that is right.

Senator FAULKNER—There are dozens of them, so pick one.

Ms Penfold—So 25c each?

Senator FAULKNER—No. I suspect that some of the visitors who do this do not actually think that this money is effectively going into your back pocket as the head of the Department of Parliamentary Services and into consolidated revenue. I suspect that they think, ‘I’ll put a 50c, $1 or $2 coin in there.’ If it is possible to imagine there is a more worthy organisation than the Department of Parliamentary Services, they might be the beneficiaries of it.

Ms Penfold—You do not think we ought to divide it amongst all the senators and members?

Senator FAULKNER—No. I am suggesting that you might consider that it would be appropriate to donate those moneys to charity. What do you think, Mr President? You are going to save the situation for us, are you?

The PRESIDENT—I would just like to point out that, of course, there are signs up asking people not to throw coins into the fountain. They seem to be working very well! I will have a talk with the Speaker and perhaps we may seek to have those moneys given to a charity—the Lions Club of Parliament House for instance. We just launched here the other day a very significant initiative that the Lions Club of Australia are putting forward to help with the research into spinal cord technology. We may, on a year-to-year basis, decide to give that money to a certain charity. I think it is a very good idea.

Senator FAULKNER—Good.

The PRESIDENT—But I would make the point that we try to discourage people from throwing money into the fountain.

Senator FAULKNER—I know you do. That is accepted. It does not work. People still chuck coins in the fountain. They even sing songs about such things.

The PRESIDENT—Perhaps if we took the signs away we might get twice as much money.

Senator FAULKNER—There are a lot more than three coins in the Parliament House fountain, I can tell you. I think it would be a good idea to check that out. I am surprised that someone cannot tell us how much money this generates for DPS. You can take that question on notice.

Ms Penfold—I suspect it is not material, but we will find out.

Senator FAULKNER—I accept that it would not be millions of dollars, but it might be money that some charity might be very grateful to receive.

Senator FIFIELD—A parliamentary wishing well.

Senator FORSHAW—Peter Costello is always—

Senator FAULKNER—I was going to say that with this great line up of Peter Costello supporters, a parliamentary wishing well is what you really want! I dawdled past the fountain in the centre of the building a couple of weeks ago. Is it called the black fountain, that square fountain? What is that fountain called?

Ms Penfold—The reflection pond, I am told.

Senator FAULKNER—My God, is it really—the reflection pond? There we are. I was reflecting on the fact that I was walking past when it was raining and there were all these buckets around catching all the drips from the roof. Is there a problem there? Is the roof leaking?

Ms Penfold—There is a problem.

Senator FORSHAW—You could use the money from the fountain to fix the roof.

Ms Penfold—It would take a long time.

Senator FORSHAW—Take the signs away then.

Mr Smith—We have had a problem with the roof skyline structure for a considerable amount of time. At this stage, we are investigating repairs to it but we do not have a solution that we can economically implement at this time.

Senator FAULKNER—So the roof is leaking?

Mr Smith—Yes, it is.

Senator FAULKNER—What part of the roof?

Mr Smith—It comes from the glazed skylight.

Senator FAULKNER—Which is a large skylight, isn’t it?

Mr Smith—It is a rather massive structure, yes.

Senator FAULKNER—Are these leaks getting worse?

Mr Smith—I do not think it is getting worse.

Senator FAULKNER—You are not going to wash someone away in a major downpour?

Mr Smith—No. It is a fairly predictable leak. It is just a couple of leaking members. But, as soon as we fix those, we generate leaks in other places.

Senator FAULKNER—Did you say ‘a couple of leaking members’?

Mr Smith—A couple of leaking members in the roof. The glazed skylight is made up of a lot of different glass panels and a lot of aluminium structures.

Senator FAULKNER—There are more than a couple in the caucus. So that is not going to be fixed?

Mr Smith—We are investigating further into that, but at this stage we do not have a fix for it.

Senator FAULKNER—The joint has sprung leaks all over the place, really, hasn’t it? Did you fix the leak in the forecourt water feature?

Mr Smith—Yes, the forecourt water feature leak has been fixed. We replaced all the sealants in the floor and repaired some of the sealant on the cascading slat structure. The water that we are using in that pond now is purely related to evaporation, backwashing and cleaning.

Senator FAULKNER—So you fixed the swimming pool leak?

Mr Smith—The swimming pool leak was fixed in the recreation centre refurbishment.

Senator FAULKNER—So the roof is leaking. Are there any other leaks around the joint at the moment?

Mr Smith—In a building of this size, we are always going to have leaks in any given year. We have actually fixed a number of leaks which have been around in the last 10 years. We recently fixed the leak into the loading dock. Every time it rained we used to get water flowing in there. We recently fixed that one. We fixed the leak outside the recreation centre, where every time it rained we used to get water into the basement. That has also been fixed. A building of this size will generate leaks as it ages, and we have to get on top of them as quickly as possible.

Senator FAULKNER—Yes. So which ones have you not fixed?

Mr Smith—I think the skylight is the biggest example of a leak we have now. From time to time we do get failures in various pipe systems throughout the building. We fix those as we find them. However, I am not aware of any other leaks that we are currently working on or that we currently have.

Senator FAULKNER—I read an article in the Canberra Times about the loading dock leak. Is that now fixed?

Mr Smith—I have not seen that article but, if it refers to the leak I talked about, yes, it has been fixed.

Senator FAULKNER—Did that involve moving two Chinese lion sculptures?

Mr Smith—Yes. It required us to do a fairly major excavation in the formal gardens, so we took the lion sculptures out for conservation work at the same time. It also kept them out of harm’s way from the excavation equipment.

Senator FAULKNER—How long had that leak been around for?

Mr Smith—No-one seems to know, but we estimate that it has been around for 10 years or longer.

Senator FAULKNER—What was the cost of repairing that leak?

Mr Smith—I do not have a figure on that with me, but I can take that on notice.

Senator FAULKNER—Did you say the leak was there for a 10-year period?

Mr Smith—We estimate that. We do not really know.

Senator FAULKNER—Is it true that about 100 million litres of water leaked during that period?

Mr Smith—No. The leak there was purely related to stormwater getting into the building. Every time it rained the leak generated. It was not related to the water systems in the building as far as pipe water goes. I have just found the figure. It cost $32,000 to fix that leak.

Senator FAULKNER—What was the cost of repairing the fountain out the front?

Mr Smith—It cost $46,000.

Senator FAULKNER—I raised at the last estimates committee, Ms Penfold, the issue of the lost lustre and clarity on the steps on the Senate side of the building. What did that cost to fix up?

Ms Penfold—The figure is here somewhere. Off the top of my head I thought it was about $6,000 or $8,000, but I will find the list. It was $8,176.

Senator FAULKNER—That turned out to be a bit of a waste of money, didn’t it, because something went wrong with the lustre and clarity in that staircase recently?

Ms Penfold—Something happened to it, yes.

Senator FAULKNER—Could you explain to us what happened?

Ms Penfold—My understanding is that someone dropped a bottle of red wine on it.

Senator FAULKNER—Have you rounded up the culprit?

Ms Penfold—No, we have not rounded up the culprit. The culprit reported it immediately to the appropriate people, and the cleaners were down there as quickly as they could be. But, as you would have seen, it left quite a stain until this morning.

Senator FAULKNER—In fact until late last night, when I could not walk down the steps because there were two gentlemen there wanting to make sure it was all cleared up before Senate estimates—which was very kind of you, and I wanted to thank you very much for that.

Ms Penfold—I have said already in other forums, Senator, how useful this process is.

Senator FAULKNER—Yes. How much did that cost?

Mr Smith—The cost of the repair was $800.

Senator FAULKNER—You are not going to charge the culprit for that, are you?

Mr Smith—No. I believe it was a genuine accident and the person did the right thing by reporting it straightaway so we could get the cleaners onto it.

Senator FAULKNER—I agree. So you can assure us now that it has all been refurbished appropriately?

Ms Penfold—The main spot where the wine was dropped was looking pretty good to me this morning, although possibly not quite as shiny as after the last lot of polishing. There are still a few little stains from where it dripped further down which I imagine may be dealt with or may be left for next time we do the full polish.

CHAIR—Would this be a convenient time for a break?

Senator FAULKNER—I think it would be a very convenient time for a break.

CHAIR—That would be wonderful.

Proceedings suspended from 10.32 am to 10.53 am

CHAIR—Ms Penfold, did you have some information you could help the committee with regarding coins in fountains?

Ms Penfold—Yes, Senator. The advice I have now is that we clean out the coins about once a month. We get about $10 to $15 a month in Australian coins, which, as we have said, goes into our consolidated revenue, so we are talking about perhaps $120 to $200 a year. We also get a lot of foreign coins. In fact, they have been sitting in the CFO’s office while we wonder what to do with them. As a result of the discussion I have just had with my people, we have decided that we might see if we can feed those into the scheme that Qantas runs with UNICEF—

CHAIR—The Change for Good program?

Ms Penfold—A Change for Good! Absolutely.

Senator FIFIELD—That is inconspicuous compassion.

Senator FAULKNER—That is a sensible thing to do and I appreciate the secretary’s quick work and good sense.

CHAIR—Are there further questions for the department? You had the floor, Senator Faulkner.

Senator FAULKNER—You can have a little break from me and I will come back later on.

Samuel

3 comments December 1st, 2006 at 10:02am

Help Wanted

Here’s another Friday Funny courtesy of Charity in Sydney.

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type,
Must be good with a computer
Must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said “I realise that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”

Samuel

8 comments November 24th, 2006 at 09:54am

Immigration

This week’s Friday Funny is sourced from Peter FitzSimon’s column in the Sun-Herald Newspaper.
A Kiwi was hoping to emigrate to Australia. Upon his arrival in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, “What is your business in Australia?”
“I wish to immigrate” was the Kiwi’s reply.
The customs officer then asked “Do you have a criminal record?”
Confused, the Kiwi then replied “I didn’t think you still needed one.”

Samuel

2 comments November 10th, 2006 at 10:33am

Scottish Tooth Extraction

This week’s Friday Funny comes to us from Charity in Sydney.

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. “$85 for an extraction, sir” the dentist replied.
“$85!!! Huv ye no’ got anythin’ cheaper?”
“That’s the normal charge,” said the dentist.
“Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?”
“That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off.”
“Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?”
“I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop to $40”
“How aboot if ye make it a trainin’ session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin’ and learnin’?”
It’ll be good for the students”, mulled the dentist. “I’ll charge you $5, but it’s going to be very traumatic.”
“Och, now yer talkin’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman. “Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?”

Samuel

November 3rd, 2006 at 10:11am

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Scottish Tooth Extraction

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