and I thought it was global warming that is causing all this cold weather. Teach me to go away for a few days and have home move on me. Do you think they are trying to tell me something? Tator of Adelaide
Thu 31 Jul 08 (08:36am)
See, I KNEW I had a good excuse for being late for work this morning
(bloodly [sic] global cooling, it’s f#####g cold here in the tropics) MudCrab of Adelaide
Thu 31 Jul 08 (10:34am)
Banjo replied to berfel
Thu 31 Jul 08 (06:44am)
On the way back from Thailand last year, the big projection screen on the plane had an updating map showing our destination and path. It was a stop over in Sydney, which was oddly placed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Thankfully the plane [k]new better.
I’ve been going through some of my old emails and I’ve found a few Friday Funnies entries which were sent to me but never got on to the website. This one is from Charity of Sydney, although I have to say that I’m quite worried about Charity…nobody seems to have heard from her in about nine months and her family aren’t replying.
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvellous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socialising and start working).
7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument?).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He’s a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 6th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
If you have a joke or a funny video that you’d like to see here on a Friday, send an email to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com and it might just appear in the coming weeks.
People who listened to Clive Robertson when he was presenting New Day Australia on 2UE would probably remember his weather updates which would start shortly after the news, often turn in to a story about something, and end about twenty minutes later. Clive had an amazing ability to take the most mundane of daily information, and turn it in to something interesting to listen to every hour.
It would appear that back on the 13th of March 1989, Clive treated the weather to his unusual presentation style on Seven Nightly News, hosted at the time by Roger Climpson and Ann Sanders. I’m fairly sure that, if they didn’t have a story to run after the weather, Clive could have continued with the weather until Derryn Hinch’s show began.
It’s Friday, and it’s about time that the Friday Funnies made a comeback, so if you have a joke or a funny video that you’d like to see here on a Friday, send an email to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com and it might just appear in the coming weeks.
Some people may recall a rather peculiar post-midnight gameshow which aired in the Nine Network for a while called Quizmania. The basic gist of the show was that there was an overly simple puzzle on the screen, and you had to dial a 1900 number to provide an answer…and the vast majority of the time you would not be put through to the studio, you would lose your 55 cents and be entered in to a “second chance draw” to win a sponsor’s energy drink.
I think the main reason the local show failed was because it lacked proper personalities…unlike the (failed for other reasons) UK version which had no lack of personalities…in particular Greg “Greggles” Scott. Greg had plenty of fun with the rather peculiar bunch of callers he received, and this week’s Friday Funny is a bunch of his highlights. Enjoy.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com. All contributions welcome!
I think we’ll have two Friday Funnies this week. Firstly courtesy of Joel, the reason Vladimir Putin won the Russian election.
And secondly, courtesy of Leslie, the following apparently happened on US radio station NPR at some stage. It would be hard to find somebody who is more blunt about describing things the way they see them.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’ t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com. All contributions welcome!
This one has been doing the rounds for a couple years, and despite Telstra never sending any call centre jobs to India, it is still very amusing…and without giving too much away, rather appropriate for this end of the sporting calendar.
For those of you who haven’t heard it before, this is a satirical look at what Telstra’s residential faults service might be like if the operators were in India.
[audio:https://samuelgordonstewart.com/wp-content/TelstraInIndia.mp3] Download link
And as this has been doing the rounds for the last few years, I should probably credit the creator, 2UE’s Mike Carlton. I disagree with Mike an awful lot, but I like his brand of satire.
Well it looks like I have a bunch of comments and emails to reply to, which I will endeavour to get done today, but in the meantime it is time for this week’s Friday Funny, and it looks like my general policy of not embedding YouTube videos is taking a break, because this was sent to me a while back by a few people.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com. All contributions welcome!
We haven’t had a Friday Funny for a while, but Charity from Sydney has come to the rescue today with the following bit of fun.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” he said as he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com. All contributions welcome!
It’s been a while since I’ve run any Friday Funnies, so I thank Jason for sending in some doctor jokes for your amusement.
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.
“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.
“10” says the doctor.
“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.
The doctor continues “9…8…7…”
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com. All contributions welcome!
This week’s Friday Funny comes from Tarleah, and is a collection of amusing (but fake) error messages. Tarleah sent in a heap more but I think these are the pick of the bunch.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com. All contributions welcome!
This week’s Friday Funny comes from Ray. Ray says he is a “mathematician with a sense of humour”…I’d say he needed it for this joke.
Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but the economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine.
However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.
The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy – they bought only one ticket, but the economists did not buy any tickets at all!
When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.
Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com. All contributions welcome!
This week’s Friday Funny was sent to 2UE’s John Kerr by George in Queanbeyan
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is devilishly hot down here!!!!!
Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com. All contributions welcome!
