Some days it is worthwhile reading the spam which one has received, if only to see how absurd the stories therein happen to be:
All he does is to sit in the water;
regrets:[link removed]
Mr Shove electrophoresis
unquestioned
I eagerly await Mr. Shove’s sequel.
Samuel
June 3rd, 2009 at 01:15pm
It’s a car which was arguably ahead of its time, but probably hasn’t been treated too well by the passage of time…The 1894 Ford Fiesta!
It is believed that the Fiesta line was abandoned a short time after this car was built and relaunched nearly 100 years later…considering the design flaws which needed to be fixed, I’m not surprised:
Black Ford Fiesta, spacious 1 door hatchback (hatch not included), back is also gone.
Features include:
-Aircon standard (has no windows)
-working seatbelts (bonus point)
-playboy seatcover, other 3 added for a cost or BYO
-Steering wheel
-Brake lights
-Working brakes (except on hills or roundabouts or over 40kms and hour)
-Keyless enrty (just go througth the windows)
-6 speaker stereo (speakers not fitted come in empty box, u can just pretend like we do)
Bonus offer – 4 Alloy wheels (3 tyres with little or no tred…okay no tred)This is def a ‘classic’ vintage style automobile.
Two lady/man/anyone who needs to borrow the car owner (dog also sat in front driver side picking me up from the pub)
Dont miss this amazing opportunity to own one of the classics….
Meanwhile Frank of Chisholm managed to not only find a time machine and go back about a thousand years, but he managed to take the entire motor registry with him.
registered till 13/7/1009
Some days you can just tell that AllClassifieds is a free service.
Samuel
4 comments June 2nd, 2009 at 05:38pm
A new word has been invented and said twice in Fairfax’s 6am pre-feed news today: “majoritily”.
Apparently General Motors will be majoritily owned by the US government.
It looks like Rush Limbaugh was right, it is “Government Motors”.
Samuel
May 29th, 2009 at 06:21am
Another one from the media unit of the Australian Federal Police:
ACT Policing is seeking witnesses to an aggravated robbery that occurred at a Giralang service station May 25, 2009.
A man entered the Mobile service station on Canopus Street about 8.00pm
In a break from standard procedure, the mobile service station then fled the scene on foot instead of the offender. Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of the missing mobile service station is asked to contact Crimestoppers.
Samuel
May 26th, 2009 at 01:55pm
There are two laws of mobile phones:
1. If you take it in the shower, it will ring
2. If you have run out of space for text messages, one will be sent to you when you are nowhere near your phone, you will notice half an hour later, delete some old messages and have to wait three weeks for the new message to arrive.
Right now I’m three quarters of the way through law number two…I dealt with law number one last week, and the week before, and the week before that. I should just stop taking the phone in to the bathroom.
Samuel
May 25th, 2009 at 09:45am
From ananova:
Police feared the worse [sic] when they received a 999 call which sounded as if a serious attack was underway.
Operatives heard whining noises and a man shouting: “Come out or else – I’m warning you”, reports Sky News.
Then the line went dead. Fearing the worst, police rang back – but it turned out to be a shaggy dog story.
A very apologetic woman confirmed that all was well and that the culprit was her pet dog Bailey.
The 14-month-old golden retriever had grabbed the house phone in his mouth and ran off into the garden.
The emergency call operator had heard the woman’s husband trying to get the dog to come out from his hiding place behind the garden shed.
Bailey had inadvertently dialled 999 while attempting to keep his grip on the phone.
UK sitcom The IT Crowd solved this problem a few years back by making the emergency number just a tad harder to dial.
Sadly the government didn’t implement the idea, although there might be a good reason for that:
Samuel
May 25th, 2009 at 07:30am
The AFP are concerned about the results of a “high visibility operation” which they conducted in the future:
ACT Policing conducted a high-visibility roadside breath-testing operation last night (Friday, June 22) as part of its ongoing efforts to reduce drink-driving in the Territory
The next time we will have a Friday June 22 will be in 2012, so perhaps the following people will need to be reminded closer to the date, they they shouldn’t be driving:
Between 6pm and 3am, 1,770 motorists underwent roadside screening tests, with 12 returning positive results. The highest reading was 0.137 recorded on Parkes Way. This is almost three times the legal limit.
One of the positive tests was returned by a taxi driver on Yarra Glenn, the driver was transporting five passengers when he was stopped. He returned a reading of 0.055. Taxi drivers are restricted to a blood alcohol limit of 0.02.
In addition to the number of drink-drivers apprehended, 12 infringement notices were also issued for various offences including the driving of unregistered/uninsured vehicles, driving with a suspended licence and while not wearing a seatbelt. A further four drivers were issued with defect notices due to various faults identified on the vehicles.
It just occurred to me that I should call the AFP’s media office and check what the lotto numbers will be on Saturday the 23rd of June, 2012…I’ll split the winnings with them…
In all seriousness for a moment though, the following line of the press release concerns me:
[..]despite the fact that we had a large number of police cars with flashing lights conducting these high visibility RBT operations, we still apprehended 12 drivers.” A/Supt Neit said.
I’m sorry your acting superintendentness, but the last time I checked, you don’t like it when people refuse to stop for police cars bearing flashing lights…are you suggesting that you have changed your mind and people should be attempting to avoid the flashing lights now?
Please put your brain in to gear before writing press releases.
Samuel
May 23rd, 2009 at 07:05pm
I received an email this morning from the folks at McAfee anti-virus with the subject line “Your Dell PC Protection Expired 14/09/2008”. Looking back through my emails I can see that they did warn me about the impending expiry on the 7th of September last year, but this is their first “warning warning warning: your anti-virus subscription has expired” emails.
It’s good to see that those courier pigeons are as quick as ever.
I should point out that one of the first things I did after purchasing my laptop in June 2007 was remove McAfee from it. I am quite happily using Kaspersky anti-virus, which I believe to be a far superior product.
Samuel
May 19th, 2009 at 05:08pm
I think this is a first. An attempted armed robbery, committed with a banana!
Authorities say a North Carolina teen who was thwarted as he tried to rob a store with a banana ate it before they could arrive.
Winston-Salem authorities say 17-year-old John Szwalla held the banana under his shirt when he entered the store Thursday, saying he had a gun and demanded money.
Owner Bobby Ray Mabe says he and a customer jumped Szwalla, holding him until deputies arrived. While they waited, Mabe says the teen ate the banana.
Mabe says deputies took pictures of the banana peel.
Forsyth County Sheriff’s office spokesman Maj. Brad Stanley says deputies joked about charging Szwalla with destroying evidence.
Brussels sprouts would be an effective weapon against me, or anything with mint in it. The challenge would be finding a way to convince me that you’re capable of force-feeding me.
Samuel
May 18th, 2009 at 04:16pm
When I read this press release, my mind started whirring away with questions:
Police in the State’s far north are conducting inquiries after the body of a cyclist was discovered next to the busy Pacific Highway, near Byron Bay, this morning.
About 7am, a member of the public attended Byron Bay Police Station and handed in part of a pushbike found badly damaged beside the highway’s southbound lanes at Tyagarah, about 5km north of the Byron Bay interchange.
As a result, police from Tweed/Byron Local Area Command attended the location and found the body of a female cyclist in heavy scrub next to a bridge.
A crime scene was secured by local police and specialist officers from the Ballina Crash Investigation Unit called in to carry out inquiries into the woman’s death.
They’re examining possible links between the woman’s death and a pantech truck – found a short distance away in Woodford Lane, Ewingsdale – which had sustained significant front end damage.
The driver of the truck is assisting police with their investigation at Byron Bay Police Station.
Anyone who witnessed the incident is urged to contact Byron Bay Police Station or Ballina Crash Investigation Unit via Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000.
I’ve called the police to a number of apparent crime scenes or other situations which required their attention, but I have never sought to deliver a crime scene to them…and there’s a good reason for this. The police have these wonderful people called “crime scene examiners” who analyse a crime scene as it is, where it is, with as little third-party manipulation as possible. Picking up a piece of evidence and carrying it to a police station removes and/or pollutes potentially vital evidence…the basic rule is that you do not alter a crime scene.
I don’t know if the person who carried the damaged half of a bike to the police station had good intentions or not, but seriously, just call the police or visit the police station…don’t pick up half the crime scene. Sometimes I think this planet would be better off without the mass public…or that I need to move to a different, saner planet…but where would the fun be in that?
Samuel
May 11th, 2009 at 06:04am
It looks like the Chinese have come up with a novel approach to stimulating their economy:
Local government officials in China have been ordered to smoke cigarettes to boost the economy.
Officials in Hubei province have been ordered to puff their way through 230,000 packs of locally made cigarettes worth £400,000.
The edict threatens to fine officials who “fail to meet their targets” or are caught smoking rival brands manufactured in neighbouring provinces.
[..]
“The regulation will boost the local economy via the cigarette tax,” said Chen Nianzu, a member of the Gong’an cigarette market supervision team.
So, stimulate the economy, use the tax revenue on the impending smoking-induced health bill, and some population control through shorter lifespans all in the one measure!
Imagine what would happen if the Australian government tried to suggest something like this…there’d be more than a simple story in the “quirkies” section of the paper, that’s for sure.
Samuel
May 6th, 2009 at 01:46pm
The government want me to spend it on a stockpile of supplies to last for two weeks, so that I can then lock myself away from those killer pigs and their flu.
A federal government pandemic plan suggests Australians should be stockpiling enough supplies to last two weeks, on the back of an increase in the swine flu alert level.
The World Health Organisation raised its flu alert level on Wednesday to phase five out of six, signalling a pandemic is imminent.
Under a federal government pandemic plan, a phase five alert level is the trigger for Australians to stock up on enough food, water, household supplies and basic medicines to stay in their homes for 14 days.
Thankfully though, the government is ignoring its own advice. Apparently chaos is not high on their agenda (unless it keeps our minds away from government scandals, I presume)
A spokesman for the Department of Health and Ageing has called for calm, saying while its own manual may say people should be preparing, but they don’t want a run at the shops.
I’m sure the shops wouldn’t mind. I think it’s been a while since they sold out of everything simultaneously and had a chance to increase prices ten-fold due to demand.
Samuel
May 1st, 2009 at 02:08pm
Some days I’m reminded that it takes all types, even kooks, to make this planet tick. Today’s reminder came via an ad in Gmail:
U.S. v. Somali Pirate – FreeSomaliPirate.com – Support the Somali Pirate Today. Prosecution is not the Solution.
So if prosecution isn’t the solution, what is? These pirates took prisoners and have stolen ships, which at the very least is akin to kidnapping and theft…perhaps we should drop all charges against, and release, all people accused and/or charged with kidnapping and theft.
The website in question is run by some New York based organisation called “Uplift Our Community”. Well, I’m sure releasing thieves and kidnappers will uplift the community…we could have an entire uplifted community running around stealing each other’s stuff…this would probably be followed by an increase in fatal shootings…how uplifting.
Back to the question: what do we do if we don’t prosecute? The website’s front page contains the cryptic message “The solution begins home”. Clicking through to the “about us” page shows the true colours of this “uplift” organisation…they’re effectively spurting the “America is evil for having lots of money and they should give it all to Africa” tripe.
Sorry but, he (allegedly) did the crime, he should expect to do the time (if found guilty). Excusing him because his country has less money is an absolutely crazy idea, and effectively says that I can justifiably rob anyone who is richer than me…a notion that tears at the very fabric of our society.
Naturally I clicked on the link to ensure that these kooks are forced to pay for their bizarre intrusion in my Inbox, however I will not be linking to them from here as they just don’t deserve a link without paying through the nose for it.
Samuel
April 23rd, 2009 at 03:42pm
Zero dollars!
I suppose it’s possible that this is a new revenue raising measure for the New South Wales Government who own NSW Lotteries. You can buy a ticket, but you can’t win anything, so all the money goes to general revenue.
Even so, I’m sure the New South Wales Government would find a way to waste it like they’ve wasted almost every other dollar in their budget.
Apparently the NSW Lotteries site has been fixed since the screenshot was taken…but it was so amusing that I couldn’t resist posting it. Many thanks to Frankster for the screenshot.
Samuel
April 8th, 2009 at 04:52pm
Some days I’m astounded by the stuff which AAP distribute without any proofreading:
NT: Some communication services restored to NT
Telstra is still trying to get to the bottom of a 10-hour communication blackout that cut the Northern Territory off from the rest of Australia.
Territorians awoke this morning to find internet .. mobile phone and STD land connections were down .. along with most ATM services.
Telstra says a system failure near Kununurra in Western Australia overnight saw network traffic redirected through Marla in South Australia .. but it also failed.
Technicians were flown in to both remoted site .. and NT services were restored about 11am (CST).
Telstra spokesman MARK SWEET says the telco will find out what caused the unprecedented occurrence that left Territorians scrabbling for coffee money .. unable to access ATMs.
I didn’t know that people played Scrabble to get coffee money, or that remote sites could be “remoted”…maybe I’m just leading a sheltered life.
On the bright side, at least today’s stuff is readable. One of the main stories yesterday contained a sentence which I had to read four times just to work out what they were trying to say so that I could rewrite it and make it make sense.
Samuel
April 7th, 2009 at 02:30pm
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