Samuel's Blog

Where do I start?

December 19th, 2007 at 07:52pm

84 hours of no content…that figures. As the title says, where do I start? To be blunt I really don’t know, I’ve had a crap few days and no matter how much I try, I just struggle to get in to the Christmas spirit. That in itself concerns me because usually I am quite excited by Christmas by the 19th of December, but this year, if it weren’t for the public holidays Christmas could pass and I wouldn’t notice.

I don’t know whether December is just sneaking past me or whether I’m just not interested this year, but I still haven’t sent Christmas cards or presents to anyone. I’ve emailed one person to wish them “Merry Christmas”, but I had another reason for emailing them do it doesn’t really count as “contacting somebody for the sole purpose of wishing them a merry Christmas”.

That on its own wouldn’t be too bad, but this week has been downright awful so far and I can’t see it improving. It started poorly in the early hours of Sunday morning with narrow avoidance of a road accident and a security alarm nearly deafening me. Monday morning I woke up forcefully and involuntarily discharging contents of a bodily organ (the dictionary definition doesn’t make it any less pleasant), and despite feeling much better than Monday on Tuesday and today, my week has continued to go downhill, so much so that a single, relatively innocuous event (to avoid details) at work around midday was enough to make me snap…I think the people involved know that they were not the cause of frustration, but they will read this so I will use this to ensure that they are aware that they are not in the slightest bit to blame for my actions.

After the tantrum I had my lunch break, during which I went for a walk, a helpful exercise but possibly not the safest thing to do considering that I didn’t really mind whether or not a heavy vehicle managed to run it to me. By the end of my lunch break I was prepared to avoid heavy vehicles, although I did ponder the requirements for climbing a power pole. Strangely the thing that keeps me going despite what a psychiatrist may refer to as “suicidal thoughts” is something which I’m not sure is even real…the thought that others depend on me. Whether it is real or a delusion, it is helpful, although possibly a part of the problem…even if it is part of the problem, it has helped on previous occasions, and it wouldn’t surprise me if it helps again in the future.

Suddenly I find myself wondering what a psychiatrist does if they need help…if my state of confusion at what is running through my mind is any indication, there is no way they could analyse their own state of mind, and I would think that they would be quite a difficult subject to study due to their training…of course what that has to do with anything is beyond me.

When I think about it, it was probably the fact that I noticed shopping centres playing Christmas carols in November that caused my disinterest in Christmas this year, and yet despite this I am annoyed by my disinterest and can’t make myself feel interested again. If it were possible, I think I’d just skip forward to January, but it’s not possible so I will just have to make do. Writing this has been mildly therapeutic, but I’ll probably still be in this odd mood for another few days.

Incidentally it’s not as if I’m completely ignoring Christmas either, I have already given Christmas presents to a couple people (in person) and received a couple presents, one of which remains unopened. I decided this year to break with habit and, if asked, inform people what I would like as present instead of receiving useless, well-intentioned, junk. I am enjoying reading the one thing I requested (Stan and Marcella Zemanek’s book “My Way or The Highway”), and that is a good thing I suppose, but ultimately, this year, I just wish the festive season would go away…I’m tired of it, perhaps because it became evident in November, perhaps because it makes aspects of my working life an utter nuisance, or perhaps because it means that some of the idiots I deal with on a daily basis are just that little bit more frazzled…whatever the reason (and I suspect it’s a combination), the sooner it’s 2008 the better.

I will still send out Christmas cards, and a couple presents, if they arrive late then so be it, at least they arrive. I do hope that everyone else enjoys the next couple weeks, just as long as they don’t expect me to.

I suppose the thing I don’t understand is that usually when I get in to one of these moods, nothing really makes me happy, and yet this time I am intermittently being made happy, and I still manage to return to being…I suppose “uninterested” is as good a word as any…never mind me, I’ll get through, it will just be torture for the next week or so.

Of course it’s not just an impending Christmas that is getting to me at the moment, it is a bunch of other things, I’m not going to try and explain in any detail, and I’d prefer it if you didn’t ask, I’ve rambled for long enough. I hope the next few weeks are as enjoyable as possible for you, please do not worry about my state of mind, this is just one of my strange phases…it’s happened before and will happen again, and this is nowhere near as bad as some previous occasions so I’m not worried.

Whilst writing this I have been listening to a playlist which should be making things worse but is helping slightly…if you’re interested it is:
Alone Again, Naturally – Gilbert O’Sullivan
Take On Me – Aha
White Wedding – Billy Idol
Ode To Billy Joe – Bobbie Gentrie
It Don’t Matter To Me – Bread
It’s Too Late – Carole King
25 or 6 to 4 – Chicago
Khe Sanh – Cold Chisel
Hey St. Peter – Flash and The Pan
All Those Years Ago – George Harrison
Hip To Be Square – Hewey Lewis and The News
Holy Grail – Hunters and Collectors
At Seventeen – Janis Ian
Beat It – Michael Jackson
Moonlight Shadow – Mike Oldfield
It’s Just Another Day – Paul McCartney
I’ll Follow The Sun – The Beatles
End Of The Line – Travelling Wilburys

I apologise if I have provided incorrect or misspelled attribution in that list.

As I mentioned earlier, this has been a therapeutic exercise. I am compelled to publish this for the sake of my sanity due to the amount of time I have spent writing it…and maybe the inevitable nuisance of people wanting to talk to me about it will be helpful…I don’t know, I’m just confused, annoyed, and uninterested. I wouldn’t call it depression, but then again, I’m too close to it to diagnose it, and I don’t want a diagnosis…I just want some time to myself…I also don’t want to stop writing, but I’m going to force myself to do so because if I don’t, I’ll still be writing this next week. I may continue later though.

Samuel

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