Samuel’s Blog

Friday Funnies: Wallace and Gromit play soccer

Given that we are rapidly approaching the final of the soccer world cup, this video seems apt for Friday Funnies.

Samuel

Add comment July 9th, 2010 at 10:32am

The cat’s in the kettle

A few weeks ago A Current Affair hyped up a story about a restaurant which was serving cats. They ran a bunch of promos claiming that they had an investigation in to a restaurant which was cooking cats and serving them to customers. It was a beat up and a half, as it happened the restaurant was serving cats…it was serving them the leftovers. They were feeding a bunch of stray cats. Big deal.

Anyway, it reminded me of an amusing song which I had around here about a restaurant cooking cats. I looked for it at the time and couldn’t find it, however I found it earlier this week and thought I’d share it with you today.

April 30th, 2010 at 10:18am

Friday Funnies: How not to create a jingle for a radio show

What happens when you entrust an egocentric psychiatrist with the task of creating a short jingle for his radio show? Perhaps we should allow Dr. Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) to demonstrate.

By the time you finish playing that each hour, it’d be time for the next news surely.

Samuel

April 23rd, 2010 at 09:48am

Friday Funnies: Men

This week’s Friday Funny comes to us from John Kerr. Thanks John!

1. Men are like:
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like:
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like:
Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like:
Blenders
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like:
Chocolate bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like:
Commercials
You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like:
Department stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like:
Government bonds
….. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like:
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like:
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like:
Snowstorms
You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like:
Lava lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like:
Parking spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Samuel

October 16th, 2009 at 11:01am

Friday Funnies: Conspiracy Overload

OK, get those counting fingers…and toes…and shoulders…ah heck, just get an abacus ready, because you’re going to need it if you’re going to have any hope of counting Sonny’s conspiracy theories.

Sonny called Casey Hendrickson on KXNT on Saturday to, uh, well I don’t really know why he called. It did turn in to one of the most entertaining calls of the year though. Enjoy!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download MP3
(Audio courtesy of Casey Hendrickson and Newsradio 840 KXNT)

Now that I think about it, if you can comprehend Sonny’s theories well enough to count them, you might not want to use an abacus, because you’re probably on Sonny’s wavelength and believe that Abacuses are tools used by the Queen’s Presidential Illuminati to keep tabs on all of us, and using one would cause you to change the subject, ignore the questions and yell more loudly about stuff which makes even less sense.

Samuel

October 2nd, 2009 at 09:41am

Friday Funnies: Julia Gillard’s dictionary doesn’t contain the word “no”

Back on Friday the 13th of March I was clearing out my hotel room in Deniliquin when I heard this bizarre exchange between Deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard and 3AW’s Neil Mitchell. I believe that, had Julia just used the word “no”, Neil would have been caught off-guard, and nobody would have blamed her seeing as “no” would have been a perfectly honest answer…nobody can guarantee what the actions of third parties will be, so why Julia felt the need to ramble around the answer was beyond me, but highly amusing.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download MP3

It was great fun listening to it, even if I started yelling at Julia and the radio at one point (actually, that could be why it was fun).

Samuel

1 comment August 7th, 2009 at 09:02am

Disappearing for 24 hours now

I’m going offline for 24 hours now (update: OK, now that the Mark Ferguson story is out of the way, I’ll disappear for 24 hours). I am available for urgent contact only, on my mobile. In my absence, enjoy some video.

Samuel

July 3rd, 2009 at 01:44pm

Friday Funnies: A Current Affair’s technical issues

It’s funny how technical issues never seem to come alone. When one thing fails, you can be sure that something else will go on holiday as well. The following is from Tuesday’s “A Current Affair”.

What amused me even more than the technical issues (and is sadly lacking from the YouTube footage) was when Tracy went back to the story about teenage girls attacking each other, she read the same introduction word-for-word, without a hint of it being the exact same story she introduced earlier.

Thankfully though, when she went back to the Moran story, she did refer to it as “returning to our top story”.

As for why I was watching ACA…well I was watching WIN News while I was having dinner, and couldn’t be bothered changing the channel.

Samuel

June 19th, 2009 at 10:30am

Friday Funnies: Widow

It’s an awful joke, but none the less it is courtesy of 2QN’s Paul Dix

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project – Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Kevin says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a slab of VB.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Kev?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,”

Bruce replies. “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

“Well not exactly,” Kevin said. “When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Steve’s widow’.

She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow’, and I said, ‘I’ll bet you a slab of VB you are’.”

Awful, but good for a chuckle.

Samuel

May 29th, 2009 at 10:05am

Friday Funnies: Are these the worst Family Feud answers ever?

One way to make your half an hour on the television last a bit longer…provide answers to bad that the show gets uploaded to YouTube

If you have a joke or a funny video that you’d like to see here on a Friday, send an email to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com and it might just appear in the coming weeks.

Samuel

May 1st, 2009 at 10:15am

Friday Funnies: Buying A Car

Metlink, Melbourne’s public transport corporation are a firm believer in global warming, and have produced a raft of ads aimed at convincing people to ditch “harmful” private vehicles in favour of public transport. I am at odds with their view on the matter of global warming, however I admire their creativity in producing their ads.

One of their ads from last year was about the (I’m sure they would agree, exaggerated) effects of buying a car. The ad was so amusing that I recorded a number of ad breaks on 3AW in an effort to capture this one ad. Enjoy!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download MP3

And while we’re here, a bit of self-deprecating humour. Whilst recording the afternoon news headlines for AIR News on Tuesday, I just couldn’t get my tongue around a handful of sentences…oh, and I had a wrong figure in there too…see if you can find it.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download MP3

The great joy of pre-recording is that I was able to correct the mistakes in a subsequent take. Normally if I have a tongue-tied moment in a pre-record (it happens every now and then) I either edit it out or re-record, however on this occasion I was amused by it, so I saved it for posterity.

Samuel

April 9th, 2009 at 09:56am

Friday Funnies: A Couple Game Show Parodies

If we ever have political correctness invading quiz shows, it could look a bit like this:

And one wonders how much of this sort of banter between game show hosts and difficultly dull contestants ends up on the cutting room floor?

And I should save this one for next week, but seeing as Frank sent it in (even if he does admit to taking it from the first site to rank in Google for “duck jokes”):

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he thinks he’s going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. The officer says, “Look, there’s a zoo not far from there and that’s where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem.” The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!” “I did that,” said the driver, “but now they want to go to the beach!”

If you have a joke or a funny video that you’d like to see here on a Friday, send an email to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com and it might just appear in the coming weeks.

Samuel

November 21st, 2008 at 10:21am

Friday Funnies: It boosts the entertainment, not the news

I’ve been looking around on YouTube lately finding various former station and news IDs from Canberra television stations as I intend on bring them to you over the coming weeks, and while I was looking around I found this rather amusing clip from ABC TV’s Media Watch from 1999 which reminded me of a rather amusing column that Rod Quinn wrote for The Chronicle about Seven’s amusing changes to their news service in that year. I don’t remember the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of “They’ve had one presenter, two presenters, people standing, people sitting, people standing again, one presenter, more sitting, back to two presenters and standing…and they still can’t beat Nine. It’s no wonder, with gimmicks like these”.

I think I still have that column at home somewhere, I’ll have to dig it out and share it with you at some stage.

In the meantime, enjoy Channels Seven and Nine battling over the definition of the word “leading”, trying to work out who “knows news”, and Ann Sanders using the word of the week, which probably summarises their whole failed experiment.

Yes, that word was “shonky”…and I can’t help but wonder why, with Ross Symonds just off camera, she didn’t cross to him on the large television? Surely it would have saved the arduous lengthy walk from the other side of the room…just stand next to the television and chat with Ross through it!

If you have a joke or a funny video that you’d like to see here on a Friday, send an email to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com and it might just appear in the coming weeks.

Samuel

November 14th, 2008 at 06:05am

Friday Funnies: Geography BBC Style and What The Teacher Says And Means

I’ve got two Friday Funnies for you this week. Firstly, take a look at the following screenshot of a BBC News story…notice anything?

I wonder what how the cricketers will handle the 40°c+ temperatures all day and night at Adelaide Oval during summer?

The BBC have since removed the image, but the folks over at Andrew Bolt’s blog certainly had some fun with it:

• and I thought it was global warming that is causing all this cold weather. Teach me to go away for a few days and have home move on me. Do you think they are trying to tell me something?
  Tator of Adelaide
  Thu 31 Jul 08 (08:36am)
• See, I KNEW I had a good excuse for being late for work this morning

  (bloodly [sic] global cooling, it’s f#####g cold here in the tropics)
  MudCrab of Adelaide
  Thu 31 Jul 08 (10:34am)

• Banjo replied to berfel
  Thu 31 Jul 08 (06:44am)
  On the way back from Thailand last year, the big projection screen on the plane had an updating map showing our destination and path. It was a stop over in Sydney, which was oddly placed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

  Thankfully the plane [k]new better.

I’ve been going through some of my old emails and I’ve found a few Friday Funnies entries which were sent to me but never got on to the website. This one is from Charity of Sydney, although I have to say that I’m quite worried about Charity…nobody seems to have heard from her in about nine months and her family aren’t replying.

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvellous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socialising and start working).

7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument?).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He’s a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 6th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

If you have a joke or a funny video that you’d like to see here on a Friday, send an email to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com and it might just appear in the coming weeks.

Samuel

August 1st, 2008 at 12:11pm

Clive Robertson and The Weather

People who listened to Clive Robertson when he was presenting New Day Australia on 2UE would probably remember his weather updates which would start shortly after the news, often turn in to a story about something, and end about twenty minutes later. Clive had an amazing ability to take the most mundane of daily information, and turn it in to something interesting to listen to every hour.

It would appear that back on the 13th of March 1989, Clive treated the weather to his unusual presentation style on Seven Nightly News, hosted at the time by Roger Climpson and Ann Sanders. I’m fairly sure that, if they didn’t have a story to run after the weather, Clive could have continued with the weather until Derryn Hinch’s show began.

It’s Friday, and it’s about time that the Friday Funnies made a comeback, so if you have a joke or a funny video that you’d like to see here on a Friday, send an email to samuel@samuelgordonstewart.com and it might just appear in the coming weeks.

Samuel

1 comment July 4th, 2008 at 10:29am