Archive for December 23rd, 2006

“To Find Out When We’re Open, Call Us When We’re Open”

I was checking the Australia Post website last night to see if there would be any last minute Saturday delivery runs like there were last year, only to find this pearl of wisdom under the heading “Our latest news”.

For trading hours and delivery services over the Christmas/New Year period, please call 13 13 18 during business hours.

I suppose the out of hours answering machine just says “We’re not here, call back when we are”.

Thanks Australia Post, very helpful of you to have that message on the website after the final definite trading day before Christmas.

Samuel

December 23rd, 2006 at 08:59pm

Astrological Astronomers

I spotted this potentially alarming article from The Guardian, the start of which reads as follows:

Five billion years on … disaster awaits
Astronomers have captured a vision of the cataclysmic fate which awaits our solar system in about five billion years’ time.

Among the dot points to save people from having to read the article is:

Astronomers foresee end of our solar system

Just wondering, but when and why did astronomers decide to stop pointing their telescopes at the sky, and start pointing them at crystal balls? Or have they just decided to change an “n” to an “l” and be astrologers? The latter would be cheaper, you don’t need a telescope, you can make things up if you want, and if you’re really nuts you might even get an international newspaper syndication deal.

Samuel

December 23rd, 2006 at 06:52pm

Christmas Fruitcake

This week the Friday Funny is late on purpose, so that Samuel’s Persiflage could be on the top of the (Christmas?) tree for a while. I received many Christmas jokes in the last couple weeks, and this is the one I like the best, sent in by Tim from New York, Janet from Melbourne, and Berin from √Črd, near Budapest.

1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.

Do you have something you would like to contribute to Friday Funnies? If so, email it to smoothwallsamuel@gmail.com. All contributions welcome!

Samuel

2 comments December 23rd, 2006 at 04:11pm

Therefore…

The sky is blue, water is blue, water is falling from above, the sky is above, therefore the sky is falling and made out of water.

It’s nice to see a good few drops and then some of drenching rain here in Canberra.

Samuel

December 23rd, 2006 at 03:55pm


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